Letter of Confession
by Murayama Tsuru
Summary: This is a letter from Han to Raisa confessing what he thought about various events in the Seven Realms series so far.  Mostly focuses on the Grey Wolf Throne. There are spoilers for the GWT, so you might want to read the book before you read this story.


**Hello, for those of you who read my other story (I doubt there was anyone) and for those who don't know me welcome. Recently I finished the Grey Wolf Throne and when I saw that there were so few Fanfics for this fandom, I decided to write one myself. This is mostly a letter to Raisa from Han, where Han talks about what he thought of the events in the books so far. The parts in _italics_ are the letter. There are spoilers so if you haven't read the Grey Wolf Throne, you might not want to read this. This story was inspired by the song So Contagious by Acceptance. I heard it and immediately thought of Han and Raisa. Though I didn't actually use lines from the song please think of it while you read this. Also, if you haven't heard this song please go look it up, it's really good!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Seven Realms, it belongs to Cinda Williams Chima. If I did own it, Han and Raisa would have gotten together a long time ago.**

Han sat down at his desk and once again looked at the door adjoining his room to Raisa's. Once again he thought, "I hope to the Maker that tonight's not the night Raisa decided to sneak into my room." Even though he knew she wouldn't do this he fantasized about this often enough that he was being cautious. Shaking his head of his less than innocent thoughts he dipped his quill into his inkpot.

_Dear Raisa,_

_I've never actually written anyone a letter before and I was't really sure how to start this one. I guess I'll start by saying I am a fool. For many reasons. My enemies would say I am a child playing in an adult's game by joining the Wizard Council. To them I sneer and say that they are the fools for underestimating me. I am a fool because I fell in love with you. When I kidnapped you, I it was for escape. Then, you saved the Raggers and scarred that ass, Mac Gillen. I think that's when it started, at first as respect then as love. Then, when I saw you again in Oden's Ford, and you taught me pretty language, I fell harder. You're the first girlie I've done a lot of things for. Like buying flowers, I'd certainly never done that before._

_When I thought you were killed by Micah Bayar, I was devastated. "Another person I love is gone" I thought. But, when Byrne told me you weren't dead, that's when I knew that I had to find you. I guess I made the excuse to Bird that I was fulfilling my bargain with the Demonai clans to go back, but really, it was for you. I asked around everywhere for you, but found no clues. I was starting to lose hope when I came to that tavern in Fetters Ford; I was relieved to know that you were still alive but troubled because of what that Simon guy said. When he said you were abducted by some rovers I was definitely worried._

_Then when I found out that those hunters, the ones who killed the older Byrne, were chasing a girlie I decided to save her, having no idea it was you. When I found you with a poisoned arrow in your neck, I only had one thought "I will save you Rebecca, I won't let another loved one die." So, I decided to take you to Marisa Pines Camp. Knowing you wouldn't make it, I wracked my brain for what I was taught about healing. I should've known at the time I saw those memories when we "merged" that you were hiding something big. At the time, though, I only cared about saving you._

_When you told me you were the Princess Raisa, I didn't want to believe it. But looking at that damned coin, I was jolted by the reality of what you told me. I remembered all the times at Oden's Ford where we kissed and wondered if it was all a lie. I'd been jilted by blueblood girlies before; they're excuse being that I was just a distraction and entertainment. Then, as you probably saw, I felt betrayed. At that moment I wanted nothing more than for you to leave me alone. This pain was almost as bad as losing Mam and Mari, like having a limb hacked off. So, I do what I so best: I became cold and angry. For a while, that's what I felt, betrayed, angry, and cold. It was only when I realized that the alternative to having you rule, one of the Bayars on the throne instead, that I let all those emotions go. That and the insane jealousy I felt when I saw you with Nightwalker. There are many reasons I hate him, probably the largest being that he stole Bird from me. So, I decided that I would put you on the throne. Also, I would protect you from anyone who would try to hush you._

_You probably thought my conditions, having a room next to yours, a monthly stipend, you continuing to teach me manners, and putting me on the Wizard Council, were bold and unjustified, but you acquiesced anyways. You probably also thought I was being uncaring, truth is, I had already made up my mind to protect you. It's hard being in a room next to you though. Even though, Maiden Grey clearly thinks she's keeping me out with that locked door, that was absolutely wrong, I mastered that lock the first night. Saying that, it made it more tempting to steal into your room, but I did resist. It helped when I installed Cat as your handmaid. It seems, though, you like to test my willpower and patience. When you gave me a castle (never thought I'd have one of my own, I always thought they were something only bluebloods got) and a title and you didn't tell me, I was livid. The reason, as you already know is that I didn't want the bloody court to think you favored me! It would mean trouble for both of us. Especially you if the Demonai decide to kill me because they think I'm in love with you. When I said that even though I don't have many friends, it's better than everyone cozying up to, the look you gave me was too tempting. The next thing I know you kiss me and we end up on the couch. I have to say, even though I did not want to stop kissing you, I was glad the maid brought up your supper (even though it was someone trying to kill you), if she hadn't I don't know if I would have been able to control myself. Then on, I decided to not tempt myself further and decided to watch you from afar. _

_Apparently, when thinking of you, my trader face is not the best. I heard Maiden Grey say I look like I'm hungry and you're dinner, is that true? I know that sometimes, with my street face on, I steel glances at you; when I think, no I know, that no one's watching me I let it drop for about a second. Like that time you caught me looking at you while you were praying in the glass garden. I must admit I was surprised, but as usual, I put my street face back on. When I jealously stated that I saw how you and Micah were dancing at the coronation ball and you retorted about how you thought I shouldn't get too close to Fiona; I was slightly amused that you were just as jealous as I was. When I told you that you didn't have to be queen, you seemed to consider it and I hoped for a minute that you would agree. Looking back on it, I knew that you wouldn't, if you had decided to run away with me, away from this land that you love so much, I would have been disgusted with you. Then, when I gave you the ring that mimicked the one Alger Waterlow gave to Hanalea; the one of sapphires, pearls, and moonstones, I saw how happy you were with it. But were also reluctant to accept it, that made me a little sad. When you were about to say you wished we could be friends, I wouldn't have been able to take that so I kissed you…That was a mistake, I should have known I wouldn't have been able to control myself. So, I broke the kiss and asked you if you got how hard holding myself back was. I didn't think you understood, I still don't think you understand that I'm trying to control myself. I don't want to be your down-low lover, I don't want to share you with anyone, so for what I think of as a "good-bye" of sorts, I kissed you one last time and told you to go to bed. Raisa, believe me; I don't want to give you up. Frankly I won't, but at the moment I have to._

_I have to say, I loved the look on Micah's face when he learned that I was going to dance with you. Forgive me your highness, I hate Micah, so it gives me a smug satisfaction when I do something that will piss him off. I was also very happy with the way you rejected Gerald Montaigne's proposal of marriage. I'm sure though, that it will come back to bite us in the ass later._

_I know that the Fells will benefit from you being queen. Sometimes, though, I don't want you to be queen, I want you to go back to being Rebecca Morley so we could have a normal relationship. Yeah, this sounds selfish of me, I know, but I can't help it. As I said, I don't want to share you. Sometimes I wonder how you will react if I told you I had the Demon King's blood running through my veins. The cruel part of me says I should tell you to make you feel as I did when you told me who you were, the part of me that loves you knows I wouldn't be able to handle that if you felt that way. So, I will not tell you any time soon, please forgive me if and when I do decided to tell you this secret of mine. I know you're never going to get this letter, because I'm never going to send it. In fact, I'm probably going to burn it when I'm finished writing it. No, that's a lie, I won't burn this. Maybe I'll give it to Dancer and tell him to do with it what he wants. Raisa, I love you and sometimes I wish the circumstances weren't what they were: you being the queen, me being a wizard. But since they are, I am going to do everything I can to protect you so you can rule effectively._

_That brings me back to what I wrote earlier: I am a fool. A fool for falling in love with a princess (pining for a Princess as Cat calls it), a fool for thinking things could work out between us. Even though I'm a fool and my plan to marry you is a lack-witted, harebrained scheme, I don't want to stop pursuing you in my own subtle way._

Han looked over his letter one last time; it was full of mistakes and parts that he had scratched out. "Well now, I really don't want Her Highness to read this," he thought, "if anything, she'll just reprimand me for all the mistakes I made..." He sighed, folded up his letter, and blew out his candle.

**What did you think? How was it? Was Han out of character? Did I make Han sound too intelectual? If you have anything to say, please review. I would prefer no flames, but if you must criticize, make it the constructive kind please. Please let me know.**

**-Murayama Tsuru**


End file.
